Choose or being chosen

Choose life. Choose a job. Choose a career. Choose a family, Choose a fucking big television, Choose washing machines, cars, compact disc players, and electrical tin openers. Choose good health, low cholesterol and dental insurance. Choose fixed-interest mortgage repayments. Choose a starter home. Choose your friends. Choose leisure wear and matching luggage. Choose a three piece suite on hire purchase in a range of fucking fabrics. Choose DIY and wondering who you are on a Sunday morning. Choose sitting on that couch watching mind-numbing sprit-crushing game shows, stuffing fucking junk food into your mouth. Choose rotting away at the end of it all, pishing you last in a miserable home, nothing more than an embarrassment to the selfish, fucked-up brats you have spawned to replace yourself. Choose your future. Choose life.

上面這一大段話，是英國電影"Trainspotting"的開場白...

生活是什麼？"Trainspotting"用一種超現實的手法，藉著一群無所事事，荒誕墮落，對自己未來漫無目標的年輕人的境遇，譬喻英國年輕人心靈空虛的事實...我是說"英國年輕人"嗎？或者，我該說它根本就道出了現代人類大部分都心靈空虛的事實呢？

對現實厭惡，對未來不確定...這樣的人生，該怎麼過？

從小，師長們就要我們找一些願望、一些目標、一些理想、一些寄託…一些"什麼"，做為我們未來人生的方向...可是隨著歲月增長，我們發現，有些願望不能實現，有些目標不能達成，有些理想不符效益，有些寄託負擔不起... 我們能選的，只是菜單上的菜，就好像走進牛排店不能點也點不到薑母鴨一樣，這樣的現實，侷限著不確定的未來...

在"Trainspotting"的結尾，片中的主人翁說了下面這段結語...

...... I'm going to change. This is the last of this sort of thing. I'm cleaning up and I'm moving on, going straight and choosing life. I'm looking forward to it already. I'm going to be just like you: the job, the family, the fucking big television, the washing machine, the car, the compact disc and electrical tin opener, good health, low cholesterol, dental insurance, mortgage, starter home, leisurewear, luggage, three-piece suite, DIY, game shows, junk food, children, walks in the park, nine to five, good at golf, washing the car, choice of sweaters, family Christmas, indexed pension, tax exemption, clearing the gutters, getting by, looking ahead, to the day you die.

前後對照，我不禁想問... Do we really have the right to choose our lives? Or simply just being chosen by our fate?


有如離水的魚兒一般，我掙扎著。

不會哭的孩子

我認識一個不會哭的孩子，她以前曾經是個愛哭的孩子。

從愛哭到不哭，這中間所經歷的苦難，是你我無法想像的。

以前聽到半夜父母大聲吵架會流淚的這個孩子，現在已經不會哭了。
以前考試錯了兩題，只考九十八分就被罵不知羞恥的這個孩子，現在已經不會哭了。
以前被情緒失控的母親狂打會痛哭的這個孩子，現在已經不會哭了。

就是這個不會哭的孩子，那天問了我一個問題：你覺得世界上什麼最重要？
我說：世界上最重要的當然是快樂，是自由，是我最愛的人囉。
接著我反問這個現在已經不會哭的孩子，我問：你呢？你覺得世界上什麼最重要呢？

這個現在已經不會哭的孩子抬起頭來，面無表情的告訴我：錢最重要。



這個不會哭的孩子，那天，讓我的眼中盈滿了一眼眶的淚水。